Random Post About Forgiveness

Forgiveness is WILD, You Gotta Try It

Or Learning How to Not Scream at Random People About Coffee Mugs

I'm notorious for being extremely bad about vocalizing my feelings. Especially when it comes to anger. Instead of just talking about what has made me mad in the first place, I do this fun little thing where I just internalize it and bottle it up. Then when my roommate accidentally uses my coffee mug instead of his own FOR THE 1000th TIM- see look I'm doing it again. It's been 2 years after the event that I was mad about actually occurred and I didn't even know him at that point, but I explode at him. Usually by that point I cant remember why I was so angry or who I was angry at anyways, and then the people are just as confused about why I exploded as I am confused about why they don't understand how mad I am. So lately, I've had a lot of things to be mad about. So in order to keep from blowing up at the people who don't deserve it many years after the fact, I have sought out the help of my brother who is training to be a therapist. He has been a very useful guide to learning how to forgive people, and I will now share with you exactly what he has taught me.

Being the Better-er Man:

Wanting to be the better man is good. But also, just wanting to be better doesn't work, no matter how much I wish for a six pack. This phrase asks you to internalize your anger rather than deal with it in favor of avoiding an argument. Sometimes it's better to just accept the fact that you are angry and figure out how to deal with it.

Dealing with Anger in Two (Difficult) Steps:

So let's just face it, you're angry. Let's say that something happened, and you're angry. Anger is your brain screaming that's not fair. So you need to ask yourself what exactly is not fair? Exactly. Like literally, get out a pen and paper. Answer that question as thoroughly as you can. This is the most crucial part of this process, and may take a long time. If you cannot find the root of your anger, any action you take will be meaningless and you will end up screaming at someone about coffee mugs (aka acting on your anger in a non-productive way). If you find that you are currently screaming at someone about coffee mugs then you have made an error. You must find the exact meaning of your anger and then a path will be made clear. Once you have found the root of your anger, follow on by answering this:

Ask yourself: "Given that something is not fair, is my reaction appropriate to the situation?"

This can mean one of four things:

• No, it is over the top and I'm way too pissed. I need to do whatever I have to do to calm down, even if that means temporarily removing myself from the situation, and then forgive.
• No, my reaction is actually understating my true anger and displeasure with the situation. I need to commit to some action to change the situation
• Yes, my anger is appropriate. But has made no change because I cannot change others, and the only way to move forward from this is to accept the injustice while also knowing that I did my part to try to change it
• Yes, and my anger has led to appropriate action which has corrected whatever the injustice was, and now I am satisfied.

If you follow these steps, I guarantee that you will live a less stressful life. I believe that much of the feelings that we have been told are simply constant "stress" are actually anger about the unfairness around us or anxiety about dealing with that anger that needs to be dealt with in a productive way. I have very recently started trying to deal with my anger according to this process and have already noticed a positive change in my life. Just remember that forgiveness is a long and complicated process, and any step in the right direction is productive.